To My Favorite Web App,
I just wanted to take a moment to sincerely let you know how much I appreciate you always trying to please me (and I know I’m not always easy) and to also share with you some areas where we might need some help. You knew from day 1 that I was “high-maintenance” (as you always like to tell your friends), so please don’t be offended by what I’m about to say.
I want to love you, I really do, but sometimes you make it very hard. First, you say you’ve put a lot of energy into it. Well, I don’t really care how much blood, sweat and tears it has cost you. You like to call it “visits” or “page views” or “registered users”. I call it a relationship. Why don’t you see it the same way I do?
When I first met you, I gave you more than 10 seconds to show me why I might want to download your app. At that time, you were free and that’s what attracted me to you. But now you tell me I’ve gotta pay and I’m pissed! How can you twist my arm like this? You give me no options or incentives and now I feel cheated and taken advantage of. Why don’t you ever ask me what I think before making these kinds of decisions? Hello! Customer survey anyone?
Sure, you put your spin on it and try to make everything sound nice and enchanting, but I don’t like your spin. Call off your marketing dogs already. I’ve been marketed to since the day I was born and can sniff-out a liar a mile away. Please don’t lie to me or try to hype things that are just not so.
I told you, “Please don’t make me learn your app. Do you know how busy I am?” You thought it was funny how I always need your support. What support? You make it impossible to get the right answers or contact you when I really need it. I’m not stupid, baby, just very busy. Don’t waste my time.
You like to be social but your bla, bla, bla and “there’s me on Facebook” and “there’s me on Twitter” doesn’t mean a thing if you don’t listen to what I have to say in return. Social is a two-way conversation, get it?!?
And why do you make me connect through Facebook? I like Facebook, but only for certain things. Please don’t make me connect through my social network and friends. Don’t abuse me and my friends, we know what you’re up to.
Mostly, you say you want me but all you care about is your bottom line. I can tell and I’m thinking about going somewhere else. No matter how true it may be, it’s always a turn off to see that your needs come before my own. It really makes me sad that I don’t matter to you the most.
OK, so maybe it’s true about what they say about me being unfaithful and “always looking for the next best thing.” Whatever. Make me truly love you and maybe I’ll stick around and show you how much patience I have for your quirkiness.
Which leads me to say, If you make a mistake, just admit it. I don’t hold grudges, really. Just don’t forget to admit it or hell you’ll pay.
Be always honest with me and I’ll show understanding and patience. Lie to me or put too much spin on it and I’ll throw it right back at you 10-fold.
You want to see PR? I’m a hundred times more effective that your “award-winning PR agency”. Make me love you and I’ll broadcast it to the four winds (Twitter, Facebook, Tumblr, LinkedIn). Piss me off and I’ll spread the bad news like wild fire.
Honestly, I’m compassionate and am not looking for the perfect you, just frequent upgrades. I LOVE FREE UPGRADES! They make me feel like you care and that you’re listening. Upgrades are like little gifts.
Which brings me to how I’ll permit that you spoil me:
I like it when you anticipate my every need and don’t make me think. I like it when you’re polite. I like the small things like free shipping both ways and no taxes. I like it when you pleasantly surprise me with ways that make my life easier and less complicated. I like it when you’re flexible, open and not jealous of others. I like it that you’re everywhere I need you to be.
So, my only question to you is this: HOW WILL YOU MAKE ME HAPPY TODAY?
Forever yours (or not),
Your User Base